|
|
Monday, November 9th, 2009
|
|
|
Oh. Hello again.
Nostalgia gets me every time.
|
|
|
May 7, 2008
Dear Corey:
Congratulations! It is our great pleasure to offer you a position with the City Year Seattle/King County 08-09 corps! During your tenure, you will serve your community, work side-by-side with a diverse team of peers, partner with community members, business leaders, and public officials . . . and, most importantly, make a difference in the lives of hundreds of children and adolescents you will serve during your city year!
Your corps year will begin in late August 2008 and end in mid-June 2009.
I'm moving to Seattle. Holy crap.
|
|
Sunday, December 9th, 2007
|
| Time: | 2:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. |
|
|
I can't wait to get out of here.
|
|
Sunday, November 18th, 2007
|
| Time: | 1:43 am. |
| Mood: |  conflicted. | | Music: | coldplay. |
|
I'm not meant for the partying scene. I like drinking with my close group of friends, but when random guys come up and dance very, very close with you...it's just plain uncomfortable. Maybe I should be more open to the unknown, but most days I'd rather cuddle up with a hot cup of tea and watch a movie.
I feel changes coming. I don't know what changes those are, but I just know that my close friends and I are on the brink of something major.
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start.
But give me love over, love over, love over this.
I wait, oh I wait, for something good, for something great.
Still conflicted.
|
|
Saturday, November 10th, 2007
|
| Time: | 4:03 pm. |
| Mood: |  determined. |
|
I've got a good thing going, and naturally, I manage to fuck it up.
I won't hash out the gritty details as I have in the past in numerous livejournal entries. But for future reference, I feel that I must make a couple of notes. Yeah, I'm going to be vague again.
- Why am I taking the past out on him? None of what's happened to me is his fault or mine. It really should be relatively simple to get over. You know -- live, love, and move on. Alas, I am absolutely terrified of letting anyone in for fear of the same ol' story happening in my life once again, and then letting the repercussions consume way too much of my lovely young life. I feel that if I'm not incredibly cautious in the present and conscious of my past, then I will continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over.
- But at the same time, I'm not the same person I was. I'm not that teary-eyed cynical girl hiding in a practice room or a dorm room. There are so many more experiences and challenges in my life that have made me who I am besides romantic relationships. I have so many more things that I want to do with my life that I ought to start becoming the person who doesn't just dream of those opportunities, but lives them. And what do I want? I want to live in Chicago, Nashville, and the Northwest. I want to work in a coffee shop and promote local bands. I want to backpack around Europe and the entire Appalachian Trail. I want to learn guitar and tenor sax. I want to complete a triathlon. I want to live a green + healthy lifestyle. I want to (re)learn to love.
It's time.
|
|
Saturday, September 29th, 2007
|
|
|
Enter: Kroger's of Maryville
- immediately head to the beer + snacks section with Jessie
- Random Girl: "Do you know Tristan Mull?" Us: "Uhhh...no. Sorry."
- Random Guy that is friend of Random Girl: "Awww, do you love Britney?" Us: "Uhhh...no."
- Random Guy once more: "Aww, don't tell me y'all are haters! (note: very, VERY flaming.) Me: "Uhh...no. We just don't care."
- Random Guy that is making us laugh and kind of scaring us: "Ohhh that's so good! I'm so glad! Let me give y'all a hug!" *insert hugs to me and Jessie* "Here is her very first fragrance!!!"
- Out of Random gay man's tote bag comes a glassy light blue container, which I recognize as a bottle of Curious by Britney Spears.
- *insert not one or two, but FIVE sprays of Curious on my torso. Same goes for Jessie.* I stand there absolutely bewildered, trying not to laugh or run away.
- Random guy who just sprayed us with dirty whore perfume: "Awww! Y'all just smell so pretty! Kisses!!!" and he runs away.
....What the fuck? I didn't know whether to be pissed or to just laugh at the randomosity!!! Then, after paying for some delicious beer, Jessie and I walk outside to view a parked van that has, I kid you not, on the windows from left to right:
Jesus <3 I.
As if on cue, a small black sports car with tinted windows then drives by, blasting rap music and glowing blue fluorescence on the asphalt.
Oh, Maryville.
|
|
Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
|
| Time: | 8:42 pm. |
| Mood: |  irritated. | | Music: | "Adelaide" - Ben Folds. |
|
One of the many reasons I am increasingly disgusted with our country.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/09/18/student.tasered/index.html
If I ever become bilingual, by God, I can almost promise you I will move away from this place with no qualms.
|
|
Sunday, September 16th, 2007
|
| Time: | 11:18 am. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | "Where Does the Good Go?" - Tegan and Sara. |
|
Today I want to go to Maine, sit next to huge windows in a warm, rustic wooden beach house, wear sweatpants and a heather gray long-sleeved t, prop my feet up on a coffee table, look out at the rolling waves and just write.
Why is it that whenever I picture myself as a content person, I'm writing, reading, or just listening to music? Really, it doesn't take much to make me happy.
|
|
Saturday, September 8th, 2007
|
|
|
Now that school has started, just about everything feels in place. Right.
I have my own room with 30 first-year residents, who respect me or at least think I'm goofy.
My classes aren't remotely interesting, except for, of course, my education class (this was to be expected, especially since the last thing my family wants is for me to go into EDUCATION. Murphy's Law, or something like that.) Since my other three classes are biology senior seminar, research methods for the social sciences, and lifetime fitness, I will not have a lot of free time this semester. I have a total of 5 tests this semester (including finals), three of which are for lifetime fitness, which means a helluva lot of writing. Senior sem is incredibly boring. I read for 15 pages on the history of lichens. LICHENS I TELL YOU!!! I could not care less. Research methods = vague definitions and pushy, self-righteous socio/anthro majors. At least with lifetime fitness, I will be able to fit running into my daily schedule.
The writing center is alive and well. Next semester they're offering a writing pedagogy, and many of the writing center tutor veterans have been asked to help out. Scott (the co-professorial-head of the center) and I are going out for coffee Monday to discuss my future, whatever that may be. Thursday's conversation:
"Well, are you looking to go more into the biology field or the anthropology field?"
"Uhh...well, maybe neither?"
"Well, I can dig that. (He really says these kinds of phrases. It's part of what makes him AWESOME.) Is there anything you are really looking into?"
"I like my education classes."
"Ooh, teaching?" *insert unknowing shrug from me HERE* "Teach for America?"
"I've looked into it a bit...that and Americorps."
"Well, we can talk and figure it all out over some coffee."
Since Begley became an asshole and absolutely sold out his respect to me for the respect of chach-bag Austin Price, I'd forgotten what it was like to have a mentor at all.
Phi Mu. All I can say is, I'm re-evaluating my current social life here. Some people have just gotten too out of hand, too dramatic, and too irresponsible for me to care and worry about anymore. I'm tired of carrying their burden. I'm pumped to even be associating with Mallory Powell, who is an absolute blast to hang out with. Most of the girls on my hall are awesome too, and when anyone comes to visit me all the way on the 4th floor I am quite thrilled and impressed that people would come all that way into freshmen territory. RA staff is still iffy, but pretty much amazing as well.
I'm still hopelessly in love with Nashville. I'm going to see 5 bands this weekend for 30 bucks -- not bad. (nextbignashville.net)
All in all, I hope this will be my most content, drama-free year at Transy. It's shaping up that way already.
|
|
Sunday, August 19th, 2007
|
| Time: | 10:07 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. | | Music: | Tegan and Sara -- "Soil, Soil". |
|
I don't want to be the person my parents want me to be.
I don't want to be this confused little college student either.
Goals:
- Study abroad, for real. Summer after college?
- Find information on the following "careers": concert promoter, higher education administration, editor/journalist, meeting/event planner (for a resort/hotel), coffee shop owner.
- e-mail Scott about said careers.
- learn guitar, by god!
- Do what you like. Like what you do. (In particular, apply this to overall life and RA job.)
- Confidence (Cohen).
|
|
Friday, August 17th, 2007
|
|
|
I figured it out.
I'm looking for home. Right now, Transy is my home -- no doubt about it. But within this year, I have to find that place (person?) that doesn't make me feel paranoid or uncomfortable. I love to travel...but to be honest, if I could find that something that I could call, I'd give it all up. I need security and assurance of something, anything.
Revel in ambiguity? Life is a journey, not a destination?
I don't want my life to end and become monotonous when I find home, but I fear that it can only start when I feel secure and confident enough that I will always have something to fall back on.
Priorities. Oh, what to do.
|
|
Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
|
|
|
...The nice, 80+ year young grandparents of mine kindly take me out to Joseph-Beth Cafe for dinner, and afterwards Grandmom kindly puts the book Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women in my hands.
sigh. Mom never should have told them about me going to Nashville -- I will never hear the end of it.
|
| Time: | 8:14 pm. |
| Mood: |  relaxed. | | Music: | Scrubs, baby.. |
|
Not too much to say...but this summer so far:
- Features x2 (Lexington + Nashville), The Avett Brothers x2 (Same day in Knoxville), Chris Thile (Newport, KY)
- Nashville with and without Davey -- Lucero, incense burning in a non-air conditioned black Jeep Cherokee, (no more) cigarettes, delicious SATCO, shaking while meeting Adrian's parents (for the second time), meeting a 26 year-old scientologist (Adrian's old friend), trying to hold my liquor against 24+ year old guys, getting my keys locked in Pearl while stopping for gas on I-65 (it took about 20 seconds and, coincidentally, 65 dollars to get my keys back.)
- Robbie only once :-(
- AMEC internship, lots of computer work, being hit on the first day on the job, aching for field work, invitation to the office party Blue Moon kegger.
- Going to a 18+ gay bar downtown, having a lesbian follow me + a poor conservative freshman back to the dorms, interesting yet slightly creepy conversation.
- Piercing considerations. Suggestions?
- Car wreck while visiting Melissa (6/14/07) -- just a fender bender right off the exit ramp of 265 in Louisville, but the lady with 4 private school kids was pissed. Pearl has but a scratch, while she received a huge dent in her back bumper. 'Atta girl.
- Crosswords + Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
- Tonight: Everyone's gone (Davey, Betsey, Hope + Becca) so I am left to my own amusement for the first night in a long while.
- Tomorrow: Me + Betsey in Nicholasville backyard poolside with $4.00 Andre. Delicious.
- Next weekend: Nashville with Davey, back in Lexington with Adrian (6 days together. I'm anxious.)
- Next next weekend: Oh, I am just praying for field work.
|
|
|
Currently musically obsessed with: THE FEATURES (saw them again in Lexington this past weekend, and I'm planning on seeing them in Louisville later this month), Gym Class Heroes, The Avett Brothers, Lucero, Kyle Andrews, Ben Folds, and Bloc Party.
also, this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. I've liked this poem for a long long time, but it still confuses me at times which is just fascinating.
Heartbeat
Only mouths are we. Who sings the distant heart
which safely exists in the center of all things?
His giant heartbeat is diverted in us
into little pulses. And his giant grief
is, like his giant jubilation, far too
great for us. And so we tear ourselves away
from him time after time, remaining only
mouths. But unexpectedly and secretly
the giant heartbeat enters our being,
so that we scream ----
and are transformed in being and in countenance.
You should read: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger.
That's my media update. Gimme yours.
|
| Time: | 1:07 am. |
| Mood: |  anxious. | | Music: | "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" - Stars. |
|
On the docket:
Sunday: A ridiculous amount of studying for the coming week. I'll want to drink a beer, but will be afraid of the mental consequences for such a deviant act. In all likelihood, I'll drink one anyways. For the stress.
Monday: RA surveys + genetics paper due
Tuesday: Senior sem final exam + final paper due (I'll want to shoot myself after this day, but alas, there is so much more to go.)
Wednesday: Genetics final exam
Thursday: Finish up Schooling notebook. Be excited that I don't have an archaeology final.
Friday: Schooling final exam + paper due, to CLEMSON!!!
Saturday: To Atlanta with Jessie to jointly celebrate being 21. There is never enough birthday celebration.
Sunday: Freak out Jessie's uber-conservative + Southern Baptist roommates by drinking + being half-naked on the communal futon while watching Dogma.
Monday: Clemson to Knoxville, pedicure with Digit, dinner, get tipsy at dinner, boat formal, be my silly drunken self + hug EVERYONE, dance ridiculously, smile way too big for pictures, hotel...
Tuesday: Back to Transy, hopefully recover from hangover, midnight volleyball, and a very important, but fun, conversation.
Wednesday: Start up May Term.
|
|
Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
|
| Time: | 2:06 am. |
| Mood: |  EEEEEE!!!!. |
|
YESSSSSSS
Can you have both the worst and best day in a while in the SAME day?? Because it just happened!!!!
|
|
Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
|
| Time: | 10:16 pm. |
| Music: | "The World At Large" - Modest Mouse. |
|
I seriously need to learn to chill out and accept defeat. I call it tenacity, others call me stubborn.
Is it a problem that I have to work so hard to try and keep a positive attitude every day? I think I should have something to look forward to when I wake up, but I never do. Just a horrendously long day. And the Cats didn't even win! Bah! I guess nothing is going terribly wrong, but nothing is going incredibly well either. That's called mediocrity. I hate mediocrity. I don't want to lead a stagnant life, but with everything that I'm doing I really have no choice.
I gots to get paid, son!!!
This is particularly if I want to travel or go to grad school when I graduate, which means no earning money quite yet. Or for a few years. I don't know what I want to do yet. Ah, the life of a college student.
Corey
|
|
Saturday, January 13th, 2007
|
|
|
I just want to talk to ONE PERSON that reads BOOKS outside of TEXTBOOKS. I mean, I never realized how hard/not fun it is for people just to READ. Personally, I can't see how some of you live without getting lost in the world of words. Plus it gives you that much more knowledge, conversation topics, and makes you SO much more interesting than the average person. It helps to form opinions and create new ideas. How the hell can you NOT like reading?!?!?! But that's just me.
I'm so glad I have a handwritten journal, because so much of what I have to say does not fit this environment.
|
|
Sunday, January 7th, 2007
|
|
|
Up until now I felt pretty content about my life.
Then I noticed that my nice, decently long nails were once almost down to the pink again.
Something must be wrong. I just wish I knew what it is.
|
|
Saturday, December 16th, 2006
|
|
|
others do not.
Why oh why am I still that little girl who snoops around her parents' room for Christmas presents? I always was the curious one. For instance, I once went looking around my piano teacher's house while waiting for a lesson when I was 8. Once she yelled for me, I came running down the carpeted stairs so fast that I slipped and literally fell down them, my back hitting each and everyone one on the way down. Luckily I had the wind knocked out of me, otherwise I think my teacher would have berated me a bit for my curiosity into her life outside crossstitched pillows and three very unfriendly cats. Ah, piano teachers.
But that's beside the point.
Anyways, I wouldn't have been snooping around if Mom hadn't left her Christmas list out on the kitchen counter for me to see when I got home. It had the every gift of everyone she had bought for -- including myself. There are some cute things on the list, but when I got to the bottom, I was surprised to read "mp3 player" for me. My trusty little iPod shuffle has had the wind knocked out of it recently as it won't charge anymore, and I haven't had the time to call Apple and figure out how to fix it. I definitely asked for another iPod of some sort for Christmas, and seeing as I hadn't asked for anything else, I thought it was in the cards for me. But reading "mp3 player" freaked me out. Mom KNOWS that an iPod is not just any ol' "mp3 player," but something that is sacred to every teenager's soul who wants to listen to music at any time or place. Not just any device will do, but only a bonafide Apple product can do the trick. It's so pretty, so sleek, so colorful and user-friendly, AND it plays all of my favorite songs. Why wouldn't you want such a cute + trendy piece of technology?!
Alas, the list read "mp3 player," and as such I had to find out what she had REALLY gotten me. Was it just a slip of hand, or a slip of mind? I was set to find out. Once I entered my parents' bedroom, I realized my Mom trusted me a bit too much. All the presents were in the plastic bags they were bought in, out in the open, next to her dresser. Hoorah! The search began. Although I found a nice digital camera, some foreign crackers, and a mini vacuum, neither an iPod or "mp3 player" could be found. The search continued into her closet, the perennial hot spot for hidden gifts in my childhood years. Alas, nothing was there either. I started to panic -- surely I'd gotten something, even IF it was a "mp3 player" that I could return and use for money towards my future iPod (Nano, red, 4 gigs.) I started to look on the shelves above the hangers when I found a dusty set of papers. Upon opening, I was incredibly surprised, then mildly repulsed, and finally embarrassed, to see what they were.
AIM conversations of mine (spikeitbaby4, as always) with a certain ex (not you, Finney) and if you think really, REALLY hard I bet you could figure out who.
Wow.
Right now, I almost wish I hadn't read them. I think about my past a lot anyways, and luckily this was a part of it that was unimportant enough to be replaced with physics formulas and the why behind New Age religion. I go back in my memory to that point in time and think it was someone else's life. It has been FOUR YEARS since then, and while I look back in pictures and think that I haven't changed so much, reading those make me think I have, in so many different ways.
I'm no longer a drama queen. I don't say seemingly important things over AIM, the phone, or really to anyone anymore. I'm much more protective of my heart. I can't bring myself to cry really ever. (Since I cried on Dr. Begley's shoulder from barfing for a week in Honduras, I have cried once. ONCE. And that was over physics, something that will be so trivial in my life I have no idea why I even did it.) I am much less of a perfectionist -- no longer the well-rounded volleyball all-district player, all-state band member, faithful Ruby Tuesday employee, or outstanding student. I haven't truly dated anyone in a year. I am no longer the things by which I used to define myself.
So who am I?
I am so tired of trying to answer that question. I'm sure that I've continually asked that question throughout this journal, which was part of the reason that I left it. And I think that ever since I left it, I've stopped trying to clarify or interpret the reasons behind my actions. It doesn't help. In every action, I have become much more cautious and paranoid of how I will be perceived. Although until recently I've been fairly satisfied with my life, I've still strived to answer the unanswerable. And now, I'm going to stop, sincerely stop trying to analyze all the time what I should do and what I should have done and instead just...do what I want to do. Whether that ends up with me being more reckless or more mature, I think I will definitely be happier just living.
"You are what you love, and not what loves you back." - Jenny Lewis
Let's see if this is true. Time to put that science degree-in-progress in action.
Corey
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
losingaurora's journal
excited! and nervous! and ahh!.
sinus infection-y..
cheerful.
blank.
peaceful.
rushed.
worried.
pensive.